need a laugh when rlc is dead
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There's a blonde and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They're going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don't work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don't work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, " Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead. "

0- stop_sign.jpg

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Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven. One turned around and asked the other how he died. " I froze to death. How about you? " " I had a heart attack. " " How did that happen? " " Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack. " That's Ironic." " Why? " " If you would've looked in the freezer, we'd both be Alive. "

delta10 likes this

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Three Guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, " I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job! " The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, " That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing! "

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The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, " John, why are you late? " He replied, " I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, " Why are you late?" Nathan answered, " I was on Top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, " Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, " I was on Cherry Hill," Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, " Hi there, what's your name?" The girl replied, " Cherry Hill "

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19 minutes ago, texl01 said:

Scotsman - do you remember this ?

 

Say no more.. nudge nudge.. wink wink... no what I mean... are you married... your wife does she go... is she a bit of a goer phwoooaaaar

 

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On ‎17‎/‎01‎/‎2017 at 8:37 PM, texl01 said:

Scotsman - do you remember this ?

 

I don't mate.. wasn't my cuppa tea but very funny.. Gotta love a Goer.. lol

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A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling "Cris-co, Cris-co?" A store clerk says to him "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle 5". He says "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife". The clerk says "Your wife is named Crisco'?" He says "No, I only call her that in public". The clerk says "What do you call her when you're home?" He says "Lard ass".

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After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.

The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.

The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler".

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A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes".

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.

It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00". She says "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. Oh, that sounds like a Master Card" he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says "That'll be $34.50 please".

The woman is totally confused by this and asks "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50".

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To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it! Damn ! Threading a needle at any age is no joke!

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Superman was bored one day and was flying around the city when he saw with his x-ray eyes Wonder woman in her apartment lying on her back in bed, all naked and legs apart. So in a flash he swooped in an open window, made love to her, and quicker than lightning flew off. " What was that? " asked Wonder Woman. " I don't know, " said Invisible Man on top of her, " but my ass hurts like hell...."

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A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, " Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, " Bitches are ladies and Bastards are gentlemen. " Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally knocks over a perfume bottle, and his mom says, " Shit! " " Mom, what is shit?" and she says, " Perfume. " So he goes to see his dad ( who is carving a chicken ), and his dad cuts himself and yells, " Fuck! " The boy asks, " Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says " Preparing. " Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, " Where are the condoms? " The little boy asks, " What are condoms? " and his father says, " Condoms are coats and jackets. " The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, " Hello! Please come in, bastdards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is in the kitchen fucking the chicken. "

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A daughter asked her mother, " Mom, how do you spell ' Scrotum '?"  Her mom replied, " Honey, you should have asked me last night ----- it was on the tip of my tongue. "

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A woman who is three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well, it's not that bad, what did he name the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

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She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly: "You have to make love to me this very moment!".

My eyes lit up as I thought "I am either still dreaming, or this is going to be my lucky day!". Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave her my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said "Thanks" and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but still a bit puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?". She explained, "The egg timer is broken". 

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