need a laugh when rlc is dead
1 1

1,125 posts in this topic

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. 
Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window. 
They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

 

 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

I have just invented the vibrating tampon. 

 

Now a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

 

==================================================================================================

 

Rules for life 
 

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 
2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings". 
3.) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". 
4.) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 
5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 
6.) You should not confuse your career with your life. 
7.) No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 
8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy. 
9.) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 
10.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 
11.) Never lick a steak knife. 
12.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 
13.) The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. Anyone going faster than you is a maniac; anyone going slower is an idiot !
14.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 
15.) Your REAL friends still love you anyway; a true friend will come bail  you outta jail: A best friend will be sitting next to you and say, "We really fucked up this time!"

skippy likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

teacher says to the class take out your pencils children.

 

ben says i have no f*cking pencils miss

 

teacher says to ben. i have no pencils  we have no pencils  they have no pencils.

 

ben says well who has all the f*cking pencils miss

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital. 
 

I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Chun Yu Yan†over and over – and then died. 
 

I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial.

 

Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.â€

 

Scotsman84, toolmaker123 and skippy like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

      I heard they having a special on alligator sandwiches at DisneyLand this week;

 

       Last month it was Gorilla burgers at the Cincinnati zoo.

 

Who says we can't feed the homeless?

skippy likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Paul's Problem:

 

 

Paul and Leora are having sex.

    Fifteen minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes.

 

            Sweat is pouring off both of them.

 

Then Leora finally looks up at Paul and says, "What's the matter, honey, can't you think of anyone else, either?" 

skippy and Scotsman84 like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In recent years the number of UFO sightings has dropped because of the smart phone. Their users never look up. 

It's pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard. 

This woman's "I'm deleting my Facebook" post has 52 comments and she's replied to all of them. Not a strong start. 

The FBI's terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now. 

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved. 

blaster walks into the library, goes to the counter and asks,
"Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on a date?†

 

skippy likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Paul's Problem:

 

 

Paul and Leora are having sex.

    Fifteen minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes.

 

            Sweat is pouring off both of them.

 

Then Leora finally looks up at Paul and says, "What's the matter, honey, can't you think of anyone else, either?" 

haha been there before

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 a  paranoid dyslexic man walks into a bra ..and says to the bar man i keep thinking i am following some one

 

a dyslexic man went to a toga party dressed as a goat

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On the night of their wedding a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. 

 

       After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom down on his knees in front of the bed.

 

    "What are you doing?" she asked.

 

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.

 

"I'll take care of the guidance," she replied. "You just pray for endurance." 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.

 

  For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has the generic name of acetominophen. Aleve is called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

 

      After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.

Scotsman84 likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

BobZ stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity.

 

    He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner, CowArt asked, "What the hell is you taking so fucking long?"

 

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," BobZ explained.

"I want to make the perfect shot."

 

CowArt exclaimed. "You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here." 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this

absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband
a big kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, ‘Who was that??!!â€
“Oh,†replies the husband, ‘that was my mistress.â€
The wife says, “That’s it; I want a divorce.â€
“I understand,†replies her husband, “But, remember, if you get a divorce,
there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the
Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the
decision is yours.â€
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend of theirs entering the restaurant
with a gorgeous woman. 
‘Who’s that woman with Jim?†she asks.
“That’s his mistress,†replies her husband.
“Ours is prettier,†says the wife.

Scotsman84 likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My first time on the chat I have a couple maybe funny Why don't witches wear panties Because they can get a better grip on the broom

Little colored boy was taking a piss by the fence when his mother was looking  out the window She said Ralph get in here you little

mother f..... He said I'm not a mother f.... She said you aint in here yet

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I liked that one toolmaker here is one   a man was stranded on a deserted island a bottle with a  genie comes to shore and she grants him three wishes

his first is for food and water she gives him all he needs his next wish was give me a beautiful woman she gives him a beautiful woman his next wish was I want a dick that touches the ground so she took his legs off     hope you dint hear that one

Scotsman84 likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have one more for you A young girl happened to touch her boyfriends penis. She told her mother and her mother said that's a sin honey you tell the priest what happened. When she came home later that day her mom asked what happened when you told father what you did. He made me go into this dark room and put my hand in the holy water. Mother said were you not afraid in that dark room? She said no mom their were other girls in there also Mom said what were they doing and she said some were drinking it and some were sitting in it

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A handsome couple got married who never had sex with one another  On their wedding night she was so tired she asked her husband if he could hold off till morning He said sure honey.  She was so tired she was restless all night and every time she looked at her husband his eyes were open.

Sitting at the breakfast table she said I had a restless night but I noticed you did not sleep all night your eyes were open. He said honey I slept I had such a hard on I did not have enough skin to close my eyes

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
1 1