need a laugh when rlc is dead
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Irony at it's best:

 

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. 
Not very long," answered the Mexican. 
"Well, then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American. 
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. 
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" 
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life." 
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! 
You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. 
Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise." 
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican. 
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American. 
"And after that?" 
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" 
"Millions? Really? And after that?" 
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take siestas with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends." 

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Blaster was in court in front of a judge for a shoplifting trial, and the judge was trying to explain to him,

 

     "You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers."

 

Blaster thought for a moment.  

 

        Then he asked, "What are my peers?" 

 

 The judge says, "They"re people------- just like you ------ your equals."

 

"Forget it," retorted Blaster.

 

                    "I don"t want to be tried by a bunch of dysfunctional, live at home schizophrenics!!!" 

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A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year."

 

   The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year,You could learn from him." 

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

 

   The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." 

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and she says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one!" 

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same old cow!!

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These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. 

One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third. 

The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass. He checks her out himself and says, "Nah, I'd only give her a 3." 

"A 3? How can you give her a 3?" says one of the three guys at the table. "She's a real pretty girl." The bartender, walking away, says, "Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women." 

The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9. 

However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that he'd only give her a 5. 

"A 5? How can you give her just a 5? She's absolutely gorgeous!" 

The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women. 

"The Budweiser method?" they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the bar. They are quite confused. 

Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde, 5'11" goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape. Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three "judges" at the table determine that this young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10. 

However, carrying a case of beer pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would be a 7. 

"A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7? She's gorgeous!" 

"Well," says the bartender again, "I use the Budweiser method for rating women." 

"Budweiser!" says one of the guys, exasperated. "What in the Hell is this 'Budweiser method' for rating women?" 

"Well, says the bartender, "the Budweiser method for rating women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her." 

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I always wondered;

 

can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 

 

==============================================================================================

 

Why is it when people ask:

 

"What three things would you bring with you to a deserted island?" ,

 

                   No one ever replies, "A BOAT...? 

 

=================================================================================================

 

I kinda had a hunch it might have been a scam when a guy came to the door yesterday asking for a donation for the widow of the Unknown Soldier. 

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Static electricity is an imbalance of electric charges within or on the surface of a material. 

The charge remains until it is able to move away by means of an electric current or electrical discharge. 

For modeling the effect of static discharge on sensitive electronic devices, a human being is represented as a capacitor of 100 microfarads, charged to a voltage of 4,000 to 35,000 volts. When touching an object this energy is discharged in less than a microsecond: 

Are you still having a little trouble understanding this? If so, see the photo below. 







Moving-animated-eyes-finger-pointing-dow 










I hope this helps! 
tumblr_o1q3s2gKEb1rrxtkko1_400.jpg

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The children had all just been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 

 

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it one day when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer now,' or “That’s Michael, he's a doctor now.'" 
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,

 

             "And there's the teacher................ 

 

                                                                                                    She's dead now."

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Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer. 
I call this the Heineken maneuver. 

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the "bananusâ€. 

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches? 

I want a coffee so rich and bold it has a cabin in the woods where it hunts humans for sport. 

I just Tokyo drifted my shopping cart into the checkout line and now all the moms in this grocery store want to have an affair with me. 

We squint at the sun because it's bright. 
We squint at people because they're not. 

[overheard at a murder trial] 
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife's life support for five minutes? 
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works. 

Now that there are no phone booths anymore, Superman just changes in abandoned Blockbusters. 

People say "life's a journey, not a destination," because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. 
Anyway, to the bride and groom! 

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life, then turned around and the toilet was empty. 
Needless to say, I completely lost my shit. 

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. 
For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.  

Why bother drinking water? You're just gonna pee it out. 
This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know. 

*me cooking* 
1. Read directions on box. 
2. Throw box away. 
3. Pull box out of the trash 15 seconds later. 
4. Repeat. 

Weird how TV characters hardly watch any TV. 

WHAT DO WE WANT? 
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS! 
WHEN DO WE WANT IT? 
COW!!!! 

I'd be willing to bet male porn stars don't find themselves in many tight spots very often.

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'OLD' IS WHEN.... 
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' 
and you answer, 
'Pick one; I can't do both!' 

'OLD' IS WHEN... 
Your friends compliment you 
on your new alligator shoes 
and you're barefoot.. 

'OLD' IS WHEN... 
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy 
and your pacemaker opens the garage door. 

'OLD' IS WHEN... 
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 

'OLD' IS WHEN... 
You don't care where your spouse goes, 
just as long as you don't have to go along. 

'OLD' IS WHEN... 
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police 


'OLD' IS WHEN... 
'Getting lucky' means you're able to find your car in the parking lot at Wal-Mart. 

'OLD' IS WHEN... 
An 'all niter' means not getting up to use the bathroom. 

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A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. 
(In my next life, I might wanna be a pig.) 

A cockroach will live nine days without its head--------------- before it starves to death. (Creepy.) 
(I'm still not over the pig.) 

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. 
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) 

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. 
(What could be on the bottom of a pond that's so tasty?) 

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. 
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.) 

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Women all take notice to this one.)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. 
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.) 

A cat's urine glows under a black light. 
(I wonder how much the government paid to find that out.) 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 
(I know some people like that.) 

Starfish have no brains. 
(I know some people like that, too.) 

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. 
(What about that pig? ---------Do the dolphins know about the pig?) 

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

 

    I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some 
of my clothes to the starving people of the world. 
    I told them, "RIGHT, anyone who can fit into my clothes 
isn't starving!†

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Static electricity is an imbalance of electric charges within or on the surface of a material. 

The charge remains until it is able to move away by means of an electric current or electrical discharge. 

For modeling the effect of static discharge on sensitive electronic devices, a human being is represented as a capacitor of 100 microfarads, charged to a voltage of 4,000 to 35,000 volts. When touching an object this energy is discharged in less than a microsecond: 

Are you still having a little trouble understanding this? If so, see the photo below. 

Moving-animated-eyes-finger-pointing-dow 

I hope this helps! 

tumblr_o1q3s2gKEb1rrxtkko1_400.jpgi love this one

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Little red ridding hood was skipping through the forest when she runs into the big bad wolf. He says to her I am going to eat you and she says are you going to eat me hole? He says no when I get to that I will spit it out.

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Two brothers that died and went in opposite directions

One brother was good all his life the other was bad.

One day the good brother was looking down from heaven and seen his brother having a good time. He had the most sexy and beautiful babe sitting on his leg and he was holding a bottle of the finest bourbon on the other leg.

he was so sad. Just then an archangel came by and asked him what was wrong.

He replied just look at that I was good all my life and I'm just sitting here look at him he was bad all his life and look at that tell me what wrong with that picture? The angel said see that bottle of brandy that has a hole in it.

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Miss Johnson went to her doctor and said to him: I's jest don't know what to do doctor.

 

   The Dr said, "Well Miss Jones I am not sure how to answer that, what do you mean?"

 

  Miss Jones replied, "Well, doctor theys advertise about mini-pads, maxi-pads, tampons and I's jest dunn't know what to use."

 

   The doctor asks, "Well, Miss Johnson, what kind of flow do you have?"

 

After giving the doctor a questioning and puzzling look Miss Jones replies,

 

                      " Linoleum in the kitchen, carpeting in the living room!" 

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Vampire is driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona, when he sees an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. 

 

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car. 

Resuming the journey, Vampire tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the old Navajo. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown paper bag on the seat next to Mike. 

 

"What in bag?" asked the old man. 

 

Vampire looked down at the brown bag and said, "Oh, it's a nice bottle of wine; I got it for my wife." 

 

The Navajo was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said,

 

                                                                 "Good trade!â€

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Texl01 sent his clothing out to a new Chinese laundry
 

but when it came back there were still stains on his lacy panties.

 

So the following week he enclosed a note saying, "Please use more soap on my panties."

 

The next day when he picked up his next load of laundry there was a note on it saying,

 

                                       "Please use more paper on ass." 

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Static electricity is an imbalance of electric charges within or on the surface of a material. [/size]The charge remains until it is able to move away by means of an electric current or electrical discharge. [/size]For modeling the effect of static discharge on sensitive electronic devices, a human being is represented as a capacitor of 100 microfarads, charged to a voltage of 4,000 to 35,000 volts. When touching an object this energy is discharged in less than a microsecond: [/size]Are you still having a little trouble understanding this? If so, see the photo below. [/size]Moving-animated-eyes-finger-pointing-dow [/size]I hope this helps! [/size]tumblr_o1q3s2gKEb1rrxtkko1_400.jpg

You sure that's not a dick under her dress that is some big cameltoe lol

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