need a laugh when rlc is dead
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233 posts in this topic

A husband and his wife sit at the table having dinner. The woman drops abit of tomato sauce on her white top. " Och, i look like a pig!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                The man nods, " And you dropped tomato sauce on your top"!

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My dog use to chase people on a bike alot. it got so bad , finally i had to take his bike away 

i had a dog and i called it black smith..

 

because every time i kicked it it made a bolt for the door..

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3 guys in a bar talking about their kids. First 1 says I have 5 boys enough tor a basketball team. Second guy says I have 9 boys enough for a baseball team team. All was quiet with the third guy. When pressured by the other 2 he confessed. I have 18 girls enough for a golf course

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little Johnny asks the teacher, " Mrs Roberts, can i be punished for something i haven't done?"  Mrs Roberts is shocked, "of course not, johnny that would be unfair!".  Little Johnny is relieved, " OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, i haven't done my homework." 

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An Englishman, an irishman and a scotsman set up a business as furniture removal men. On their first job when the householder saw the Englishman and Scotsman struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked them, ' Where is the Irishman?'

 

'Oh, he's in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling.' 

toolmaker123 and skippy like this

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teacher says to the class.

 

what do you find on top of a church steeple.

 

little girl says a weather cock miss .

 

and why is it called a weather cock.

 

little boy says if there was a cunt up there the wind would blow through it miss

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Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar:

 

One complained to the other, "Boy, business really fuckin' sucks. If don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"

 

Too late", as he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away.

 

     Immediately, he offered apologies to her for his use of such bad language.

 

"That's okay," the blonde replied,

 

"I'm a stripper, and I have a very similar problem,

 

If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!" 

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A woman on a bus is suddenly overcome with the urge to break
wind. 


She tries to let go a little squeaker, but instead lets loose a loud,
disgusting blast. 


The entire bus goes silent, and the embarrassed woman desperately
tries to think of something to say to the man sitting next
to her. 


“Um…do you have a transfer ticket?†she finally
asks. 


“No, I don’t, †he replies. “But when we pass the
next tree, I’ll try to grab you a handful of leaves.†

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This is a joke for you to finish:

 

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally

cut off all ten of his finkers. 
 
 
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got
dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's
have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do." 
 
 
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers." 
 
 
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?"
he said, "Lordy!!! It's 2016 and Ive's got
microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new!
Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?" 
 
What is your best guess as to the punchline?

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BTR has been riding motorcycles for more than 25 years and is finally sick of fixing 'em.

 

    He quits his job, buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.

   He sees the postman once a week and gets his groceries once a month.

 

 

 Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

   After six months or so of almost total isolation, BTR is just finishing his dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. 

 

"Name's Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge.. I's ahavin' a party Saturday night...thought you'd like to come." 

 

"Great," BTR says, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

 

Just Enoch is leaving he stops. "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." 

 

"Not a problem after 25 years of Harley riding, I can drink with the best of em'." 

 

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." 

 

"Damn!", BTR thinks, "gonna be a tough crowd...really sounds like the Redwood Run."

 

"Well," he says, "I get along real well with people. Still, I'll be there. Thanks again for inviting me." 

 

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some really wild sex go on at  these parties too." 

 

"Now that is definitely not a problem," says BTR excitedly, "Remember, I've been up here alone for six months. I'll definitely be there! By the way...what should I wear to the party?" 

 

Enoch turns and says, "Doesn't matter, just gonna be the two of us." 

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I could point out that, to judge from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are

 

(1) Why men are all disgusting pigs,

 

and

 

(2) How to attract men.

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large bowl of delicious ruby red apples.

 

The head nun had posted a note very near the apple bowl that said: "Take only ONE. Remember, God is watching."

 

  Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

 

 A mischievous little boy had written his own note and placed it very near the cookie tray, "Take all you want. God is busy watching the apples." 

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Vampire finally got promoted at McDonald's.

 

After 25 years on the job, he was finally promoted and is now a proud assistant manager. His boss, DonPianoAgain, gave him his first assignment in that he has to fire one of 2 workers, Jack & Jill. However, Both Jack & Jill are skilled workers and he is finding it really, really difficult to pick. 

 

So after their shifts, Jack goes home before Jill does, and assistant manager Vampire goes over to Jill just before she gets into her car.

 

He informs her of his dilemma. 

 

"Hey Jill, I have a real  problem." 

 

"Okay, little Vampy, what is it?" she playfully asks. 

 

"I can't decide whether to lay you or Jack off,................... what would you suggest?" 

 

"Well, you'd better get the Vaseline, I'm going home!" 

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Zoya buys Lev a pussy

Lev decides to lick the pussy

Zoya shouts why are you licking the pussy cat?

Lev replys ain't that what pussys are for?

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Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."

 

Girl: " Is that you or the beer talking?" 

 

Boy: " It's me talking to the beer." 

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Q: Why have there been less suicide bombings since Susan Boyle's rise to fame?

 

A: Because terrorists didn't know what a Virgin looked like!                                       Sorry Subo lol

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Boy says to his friend hey guess what

Friend what?

Boy I just lost my virginity

Friend to who?

Boy Virgin Media

Friend that's not how you lose your virginity

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A blonde goes to the library to get a book. A few days later, she goes back and says to the librarian at the counter, " This book was very boring. it had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it." 

 

The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!" 

delta10 likes this

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One day little Johnny was walking up a hill with his red wagon behind him saying, "Fuck this, " Fuck that." 

 

The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says, "You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."

 

"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny. " Yes," says the priest. "Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny. " Yes says the priest."

 

"Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny. "Yes," says the priest."  "Well tell him to get the Fuck out and Push!!!"

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