need a laugh when rlc is dead
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417 posts in this topic

APPLE DOES IT AGAIN

 

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.

 

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

 

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

Scotsman84 likes this

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I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

 

So i said, " Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" 

 

One of them snarled at me, " Its Wales, dumbo!" 

 

So i corrected myself, "Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?" 

 

That's about as far as I remember. 

toolmaker123 and kelv32 like this

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There are three guys walking home from the bar wasted.. they see the Guinness World Records building down the street.

 

They decide to go in to see if they can beat any records.

 

Blaster says, "I've got the biggest hands", he goes in and sure enough, comes out with the Guinness book and shows his friends his new world record of biggest hands.

Texl01 says, "I've got the biggest feet", he goes in and also comes out with the Guinness book showing off to his friends his new world record for biggest feet.

Toolmaker123 steps up and says, "I've got the smallest penis", he goes in and comes out looking at the book disappointed and says, "who the fuck is Scotsman84?".

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Vampire goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him,

 

"You need to stop masturbating."

 

Vampire asks, "Why?"

 

 

 

 

 

                 The doctor replies, "Because, I'm trying to examine you"

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?†The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.†“Onions?†the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.†This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?†The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.†“A Christmas tree?†the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.â€

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

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After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, " If there are three ducks sitting on a fence , and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None. " The teacher asks, "Why?"  Johnny says, " Because the shot scared them all off. " The teacher says, " No, two, but i like how you're thinking. "Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor , one licking ice cream, one sucking her ice cream and one is biting her ice cream,  which one is married?". The teacher says, " The one sucking her ice cream. " Johnny says, " No, the one with the wedding ring, but i like how you're thinking!" 

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Why did i get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As i entered my office, my secretary said, " Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me to her apartment. We went there and she said , " Do you mind if i go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Ok, " I said. She came out 5 minuites later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids , my friends and my colleagues all yelling, " SURPRISE!!!" while i was waiting on the sofa.....  Naked.

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A few months after his parents divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, " I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took of his clothes , threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" 

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Two cowboys are out on the range talking about there favorite sex position.  One says, " I think i enjoy the rodeo position the best." I don't think I've heard of that one, " says the other cowboy. " What is it?". " Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind.  Then you reach around, cup her breasts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 8 seconds.

 

(moderator edited)

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Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or woman.  A good example: 

 

" I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!" 

toolmaker123 likes this

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Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?â€

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.â€

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.â€

The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?â€

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.â€

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A panda walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.

The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place.

After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house.

"You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up."

She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.â€

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Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!"

Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.â€

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Two men are hunting Buffalo. 

 

One put his ear to the ground

 

He lifted his head up and said " Buffalo Come " 

 

The other said " How do you Know? " 

 

" Ear sticky " 

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Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit.

The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun.

"Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer.

The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer.

The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass.

He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer.

And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!â€

box_hunter and Scotsman84 like this

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A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of angry Indians. They were all prepared to kill him but their Chief declared that since they were celebrating the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he killing him. The cowboy can do nothing, but obey them.

 

The Chief comes up to him and asks:

- What do you want for your first wish?

- I want talk to my horse, - replies the cowboy.

 

The Chief allows him to talk to the horse. The cowboy whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. 

 

The Chief asks him once again:

- What do you want for your second wish?

- I want to talk to my horse, - once again replies the cowboy.

 

Again, the cowboy whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later. 

 

The chief comes up to the cowboy and asks: 

- So, what do you want for your last third wish?

- I want to talk to my horse, - for the third time replies the cowboy.

 

He grabs the horse by the ears and yells @ it:

- You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE not PUSSY!!!

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