need a laugh when rlc is dead
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An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

 

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiroâ€, which means “Good shotâ€. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazieâ€.

 

The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastiqueâ€, which means “Fantastic shotâ€. The French businessman replies: “Merciâ€.

 

The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-anaâ€, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?â€

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Watch for trannys in the Mens Rooms now!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill.

The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind.

The blind man replied he would do it by smell.

The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.

The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."

"Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "Thats a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man.

He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.

"I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?"

The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.

The blind man says, "Oh, youre trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. Its the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

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A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

 

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

 

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

 

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

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A man and woman have been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights of when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said " I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!"  He said, " Explain the kids!" 

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A boy says to a girl, " So, sex at my place? " "Yeah!" "Okay, but i sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have a code. Cheese means faster and Tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, " Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, " Stop making sandwiches! Your getting mayo all over my bed!" 

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A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!"

 

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."

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Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest.

Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway.

The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"

Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest.

Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!".

"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

 

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

 

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

 

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

 

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, 

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

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texl01 and Vampire, joined at the hip, waddle into a bar. The bartender, trying to make small talk, asks them if they've been on vacation yet this year.

"No", says texl, "but we're going to England next week. We go there every summer, rent a car, and drive all over Great Britain for two weeks." Vampire agrees.

"Ah," says the bartender, "Great country, the culture, the beer, the history..."

"Nope, " says texl01, "we're not into that British bullshit."

"Then why go?" says the bartender, shaking his head.

 

"It's the only chance Vampire gets to drive." 

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A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?" 

 

"What! Are you crazy!" 

 

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend. 

 

"No! Someone might see us..." 

 

"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it." 

 

"No! I said no!" 

 

"Baby... don't be like that." 

 

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

 

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

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One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him "What the hell is that?" The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist!" to which the drunk replied "Horse shit, your pulling my leg!"

So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favourite tunes of the bars' patrons.

Stunned, the drunk asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?" The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it until a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.

All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it. When all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him.

Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing "You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit". The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?"

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Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." 
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. 
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, " Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich : $2.50; Hand Job; $ 10.00 ." Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. " Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I Help you?" "I was wondering, " whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives  the Hand Jobs? "Yes, "She purrs, "I am," The man replies, " Well, go and wash your hands, I want a Cheese sandwich!"

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Not sure if this one has been posted before, but it's one of my all time faves...

The Bear Joke

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear hunting. The first morning out, Bill goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sites and fires. He then looks all around, but he can't find the bear.

All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and Bill stands there shaking in his boots.

The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives Bill an ultimatum. The bear tells him that he can either drop to his knees and blow him, or the bear will eat his face.

Bill immediately drops to his knees and obliges the bear. The bear walks away contented and Bill find his way back to the cabin.

The next morning, Bill takes an even bigger gun with him and goes to the same place he saw the bear before. And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. Bill gets all excited, gets the bear in his sites and shoots! He looks all around, but there is no bear. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder again. He turns around, and, surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at him, knocks the gun out of his hand, and says,''You know the routine.''

Bill drops to his knees and obliges the bear again. When he's done, the bear walks away smoking a cigarette and Bill stumbles back to his cabin.

Bill is all pissed off now. He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field again. He gets the bear in his sites, and says to himself, ''Now this bear's gonna fuckin' get it!'' He pulls the trigger and, "Ka-BOOM!" He looks all over again, but no bear. Then, just as before, he feels the same tap at his shoulder. He turns around, there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at Bill and says, ''You're not in this for the hunting are you?'''

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A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!" 

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Q: Why was the lesbian sick?

A: She was lacking vitamin D 
 

 

Q: What do you call an Irish lesbian?

A: Gaylick 



Q: What does Santa get a lesbian for Christmas?

A: A new carpet to munch on. 

 

Q: Where can you find a penis on a lesbian?

A: Maybe you should ask Dick van Dyke. 

 

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At a family breakfast a conversation takes place between a dad and his 7 year old son.

Son.. Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?

Dad.. They're balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she'll fly to heaven.

Son.. Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying " Oh God, I'm coming " but she didn't float away anywhere!

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