need a laugh when rlc is dead
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640 posts in this topic

Chinese man phones Boss " me no work I sick " Boss says " when I feel sick I fuck my wife try that "

2 hours later Chinese man phones back " Me better, you got nice house.

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What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
“You know, we do taste like chicken!”

  •  
  • A lesbian slept with 13 women in one night and suddenly died.
    At her autopsy it was discovered she had died from a crack overdose.

Did you hear about the lesbian who took too much Viagra?
She couldn’t get her tongue back into her mouth for over a week!

 

What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of each other?
A block of flaps!

 

Why did the lesbo stick a potato up her vagina?
So her girlfriend could enjoy some chips with her fish.

 

What do you call lesbian twins?

Lick-a-likes.

 

What do you call a lesbian who fell asleep tanning?
Fried fish.

 

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3 reasons why you should get a £100 note tattooed on your Penis.

1. You can play with your money.

2. You can watch it Grown.

3. Every Woman loves to blow Money.

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Had a great time watching Fifty shades of grey with my Girlfriend at the cinema. The film was terrible but the reaction of the people sitting in front of us after I flicked mayonnaise on them was Hilarious.. :) 

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My Girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying;

" helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative "

Does anyone know what " ternative " means?

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The following conversation took place between a husband and wife while in bed.

Husband: " Can I try going through your back door tonight? "

Wife: " Fuck That Shit! "

Husband: " That's the Spirit! "

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me..

" I really need a new fucking Boat " I thought to myself.

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A guy is eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone. He calls over his waiter and says "Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne - on me!" The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says "Ma'am, this is from the gentleman over there". She says to the waiter "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants". The waiter delivers the message, and the guy says "Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, TEN million dollars in the bank, but no way am I cutting four inches off!"

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet".

He struggles to ask again "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent".

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: "Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"

Scotsman84, Servo and kalevipoeg like this

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One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'.

The first flea asked "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers moustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said "Don't you know the special trick to getting' here? First you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies bathrooms, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where it's niiiice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea.

The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.

The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied "I did just as you said. I went to the ladies bathrooms and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers moustache!"

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One day, there was two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman washing bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took of running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, " My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran. "

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It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. " What is that? " he asked. She said. " I visited the tattoo shop today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo ' Merry Christmas, ' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed ' Happy New Year, ' Perplexed, he asked, " Why did you do that? " " Well. she replied, "now you can't complain that there's nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year! "

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Johnny was Bored and asked his mom if she wanted to play. She said " No Johnny, why don't you go next door and see whose construction workers build that house." So Johnny goes outside and watches them. Then he comes in 6 hours later and his mom asks, " Johnny what did you do" and he replies,  " Well first we had to put the goddamn door up, but the muthafucker didn't fit, so we had to take the cocksucker back down again, shave a few pussy hairs off, and put the piece of shit back up again.

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A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. " Do you want a bag? " the cashier asks. " No, " the guy says, " She's not that ugly. "

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Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. " I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane, " said the judge. Mickey replied. " I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking Goofy! "

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On 1/9/2017 at 3:23 AM, Scotsman84 said:

Johnny was Bored and asked his mom if she wanted to play. She said " No Johnny, why don't you go next door and see whose construction workers build that house." So Johnny goes outside and watches them. Then he comes in 6 hours later and his mom asks, " Johnny what did you do" and he replies,  " Well first we had to put the goddamn door up, but the muthafucker didn't fit, so we had to take the cocksucker back down again, shave a few pussy hairs off, and put the piece of shit back up again.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. 
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." 
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. 
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." 
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. 
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. 
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." 
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. 
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. 
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the fucking TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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The Adult Version of
 
         'The Night Before Christmas  
 

'Twas the night before Christmas, and boy was it neat. 
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. 
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, 
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. 

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, 
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. 
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, 
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry. 

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, 
Tore back the shade while she played with herself. 
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, 
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. 

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, 
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. 
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, 
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head. 

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, 
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, 
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. 

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, 
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. 
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, 
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. 

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, 
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. 
I was donning my pants, to cover my ass, 
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. 

His suit was ail smelly with perfume galore, 
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore. 
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile, 
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile" 

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, 
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. 
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, 
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knees. 

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, 
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. 
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, 
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. 

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, 
And six pair of panties, the edible kind. 
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, 
And several more things I shouldn't even mention. 

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, 
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil. 
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, 
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." 

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, 
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve. 
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, 
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. 

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, 
Saying,"Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!" 
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, 
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"

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One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. " Well, " says Bubba, " every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. it works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half asleep, said, " Bubba? Is that you? "

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A little boy was in the bath with his mom. The boy said, " What is that hairy thing, mommy? " She replied, " That is my sponge" " Oh yes, " said the boy, " The babysitter has got one too. I've seen her washing dads face with it. "

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One day little Tommy is watching men build a road with big machines. The boy noticed every

time one of the went in reverse, it made a beeping sound.

Later that day Tommy went to Wal-Mart with his dad and as they were standing in line, Tommy noticed a big, fat woman in the line ahead of them.

 Suddenly, he heard her pager go off and he says,

"Lookout dad, She's abacking up!"

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